By Alma Abayon, writing under a pseudonym.

As Mother’s Day approaches, I’m filled with mixed emotions. The day, intended to celebrate the love, sacrifices, and support of mothers, promotes picture-perfect family bliss, which does not remotely match my experience. If our relationships with our mothers are complex, messy, painful, or disappointing, how do we celebrate? 

Television commercials and ads remind us not to forget about mom as they portray idyllic scenes of mothers and daughters, sharply contrasting the complexities of my maternal relationship.

Despite this, I will send a card along with flowers – yet these actions feel more like obligations to the woman who gave me life and a foothold in it. As philosopher Leon Kass said, “A hope-filled repayment forward of the debt we owe backward for our own life and rearing, our children also represent our share in the perpetual renewal of human possibility.”

My feelings remain tangled. Our relationship, shaped by loss and my mom’s struggles with unexpected single parenthood, unresolved.

Conversely, as a mother myself, the day was always filled with sweetly scribbled cards, hand-picked flowers, and a beautiful spread for breakfast served by two beaming faces. But now that my children are adults living away from home, I am reminded of how they appreciate me when they visit, not just on Mother’s Day.

Fathers get a lot of flack. Mine was incredible, my role model. His children were always his priority. He supported and encouraged me to develop myself, become independent and always work hard. He reinforced that both good men and great dads exist.  

I was 12 when my father died of a massive heart attack at just 45, leaving my mom to raise three children alone. The shock and trauma of his sudden death blurred the roles within our family. For reasons I still grapple with, I was thrust into a caregiver role, taking care of my mother’s needs instead of the other way around. 

Consequently, my adolescent years high tailed into adulthood prematurely.

I can only imagine the grief and shock my mother must have felt. Unfortunately, she struggled with the transition, which deeply affected how she treated me. Anger became her predominant response to even my smallest mistakes, from not doing my chores exactly as she wanted, to misspoken words.

My mom seemed to forget I was just a child navigating my own pain and confusion. I needed her support but got her wrath, which worsened my emotional turmoil. I was overwhelmed and grief-stricken, struggling to cope with both my mother’s misdirected anger and the gaping void in my life. Enduring this was excruciating and left deep emotional scars. 

When I became a mother, I was determined to do things differently, vowing never to treat my own children in such a manner. Everything was perfect when they were young, but as they got older and more independent, my patience was tested by their choices and misbehaviors, typical of any child’s development. 

Despite my best intentions, I sometimes reacted with anger or withdrew emotionally, painfully realizing I was mirroring the behaviors I had vowed to avoid. This realization motivated me to improve and break the cycle for my children’s sake.

Mother’s Day underscores both the challenges I’ve overcome and my aspirations as a mother. The day reminds us to honor our mothers while acknowledging the imperfections and challenges inherent in these relationships.

Not All Endings Are Happy 

Over the years, instead of mellowing with age, my mom became increasingly difficult. Personality shifts, which are common in aging adults, along with diminished physical abilities, dependence on others, loneliness, and the loss of some of her closest friends, fueled her fears and anxiety, straining our relationship even more. 

Conversations with my mom were fraught with angst and dread. My patience eroded into resentment as she used manipulation tactics, made hurtful comments, withheld important family information, and refused to acknowledge her mistakes. 

This emotional invalidation was deeply painful.

When I suggested therapy, her anger derailed any hopes of healing or reconciliation. In challenging parental relationships, we must recognize their inherent difficulties and focus on managing our own side of the dynamic. 

Sometimes, the best we can do is accept sad endings and move forward. As Taylor Swift wisely observed, “You don’t have to forgive or forget to move on. You can become indifferent, and then you move on.”

Even on their best days, mother-daughter relationships are inherently complex. Committed to personal growth, I prioritized breaking bad habits and expressing my emotions healthily. Additionally, I learned to appreciate the positives my mom imparted, including cooking Filipino cuisine, introducing me to tennis, and her buoyant enjoyment of life despite our dysfunction.

After much personal work, I hope to have disrupted our family’s cycle, aiming to leave a healthier, more positive emotional legacy for my children. 

Here are the key lessons and changes that guided this transformation:

Avoid Gossiping and Establish Clear Boundaries

Avoid gossip and promote direct communication rather than taking sides or manipulating others. Responses like “He’ll never listen to me,” or “She won’t change her behavior,” can hinder progress. Instead, nurture an environment that encourages clear solutions. Remember, you have the right to protect your mental and emotional health. Establish firm boundaries and allow yourself to release relationships that no longer serve you. 

Resist Offering Unsolicited Advice

Refrain from offering advice unless asked. Sometimes, your child might just need someone to listen. Allow them to request your opinion if they need it. Empower your children by letting them explore their own solutions. They may seek your advice eventually, but it’s important they try their own approaches first.

Guide Without Enabling

When your children make harmful choices, avoid enabling them. Instead, teach them life skills and set clear boundaries. Support yourself by seeking help when needed. Allow adult children the freedom to make their own decisions and bear the consequences. Maintain boundaries but be ready to offer support if they stumble. As parents, our goal is to see our children fulfilled and happy, but it’s crucial they live their own lives.

Respect Their Choices

Encourage your children to form their own relationships, whether with friends, partners, or in their careers. While you may have concerns, express them gently just once and refrain from taking sides. Allow your child's peers to address potential issues, intervening only when asked. Reassure your child that you are there for support during both tough times and celebrations. Supporting their independence and happiness is essential.  

Avoid Favoritism and Comparisons

Constantly comparing your child or showing favoritism can damage their self-esteem and create long-lasting issues. While the “golden child” might temporarily feel good, they could become overly dependent on external validations for happiness. Instead, celebrate each child’s unique talents and strengths. This approach respects their individual identities and promotes a healthier, more supportive family dynamic. 

Be a Positive Role Model

Every decision we make has a ripple effect that impacts our lives and those around us. Focus on cultivating your passions, joy, and kindness towards others and yourself. Offer support without controlling and choose your words carefully – they have an impact. Honor the good and bad aspects of the past without dwelling on them. The challenge lies in sometimes needing to reflect on the past to progress. Always aim to look forward and guide others by example.

What Legacy Will You Leave?

Our self-perception shapes our resilience and the impact we have on others. Recognizing emotional triggers, especially around disrespect, helps me manage them effectively. I’ve learned that my mom’s actions were not my fault, teaching me the value of setting boundaries and ending unhealthy relationships as self-care, lessons I hope to pass on to my children.

Gabe Newell once said, ''Late is just for a little while, suck is forever.” This holds true in parenting, emphasizing that it’s never too late to change. By adopting positive behaviors, we can transform our lives and break the cycle of trauma for ourselves and future generations. 

As I reflect on my legacy, I strive to pass on the positives to my children and their descendants. Consider what legacy you want to leave.

Happy Mother’s Day!